- Written by Jean Paul Archambeault

Well, I've been back in Edinburgh now for 3 months and a lot has happened in that time! I wasn't sure what to expect, knowing that most of the volunteers I said goodbye to when I left last year would be gone upon my return this August. I still find myself looking around the bunker grounds thinking to myself, "Hm. Am I really back here again? And....why?" I had such a unique and meaningful experience here my first time. Doesn't returning only risk obscuring and diminishing the importance of my memories from this place from a year ago? Or worse; overshadowing them with experiences that simply aren't as good or as exciting as the first time? Maybe what it would be like to be...a vampire. Experiencing so much over the course of centuries that you always feel something missing, no matter how far you journey. The world starts to feel Finite, because you've seen it all already, and the one thing you wish you could change or do over again simply can't be done or found a second time. Like first love. Or the first time you ever saw a bird in flight. Or the first time you were betrayed, or lost something you loved and felt that sting..that showed you how much trust mattered in the beginning, and how much that love meant to you, and which puts your past joy into a stark contrast against the current diminishing music, downward spiraling crescendo. The loudness of silence. Of being alone. And as time goes on from there, you also come to learn that the one thing you'll truly never be able to find... is who you used to be. And the one thing you'll never be able to escape is your own character and mind. An immortal being like a vampire, aware of their faults and mistakes must feel this pain. And at a place like the bunker, where I had made so many bonds and shared so many happy moments with others, only to then say goodbye... felt like a microcosm of life itself- with all it's discoveries and bittersweet farewells. Especially as one who stayed for an extended period of time in a transitory living situation--like the bunker--with other travelers, all bound eventually to leave and continue their journeys elsewhere. Staying behind while everyone else always leaves; a cycle of life and death. A flurry of motion followed by unnerving stillness. And after it's over, you find yourself wondering, "Was it even real?" And why did I return when there was a whole world of other places I could have gone to instead? Something new I could have experienced?

The simple answer for why I returned is because long-term local volunteer, Matt, said to me last year before I left, "What if we just agreed right now to always come back to the bunker to do Halloween?" And while the others in the room and myself didn't make the pledge right then as Matt may have hoped we would, it planted a seed in my mind about the possibility of coming back to do more in the future. So, in early Summer of this year, I reached out to Ben to propose some ideas for events in the Fall, and same as the year prior- He said I'd be welcome to come and try my hand at them.

The more complex answer for why I returned is that I feel a freedom here to be creative, and a platform to collaborate with others that I haven't encountered anywhere else. And because of the positive memories I have of this place, and the feeling of a Home that etched itself into those memories. The community that forms and unforms, and forms again endlessly here as volunteers come and go... is something special that, even if fleeting, is worth coming back to and being a part of.

I'm reminded of the saying that "it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all". And as I was saying to another return volunteer recently (Noah from Australia) -Even though it hurts to say goodbye, in the same way it hurts to get burned by the harshness of life, I'm not going to miss out on good things yet to come by retreating into a dark corner where bad times or heartache won't find me. I'm not going to stop being curious or creative because the occasional new path or corner turned leads to the universe sending me another unexpected bitch-slap, or something I've created isn't understood or appreciated by everyone.. Yes, there's a risk of a thing losing it's lustre after a time, but also I believe most matters one can consider and how you feel about them come down to perspective- which in many cases can be a choice. You can always choose to see things again with the same appreciation and wonder as you did the first time. And often, if you allow yourself to, repeated viewings and interactions and visits to a thing, idea, or place can enhance or build upon your appreciation and love. I choose to be a vampire who loves, and returns always to a state of mind that allows me to feel things anew, even if only a subtle and thin lense of the new time I've spent with that thing, idea, or place, or person-- is what frames the distance from between where I was last time and now. It may be too much to ask of one's self to always be in awe of the world, but maybe simply remaining aware that everything is deserving of awe, and can enchant the right set of eyes is enough to remain in a constant state of appreciation and gratitude, at the very least.

Regardless of whether I can encapsulate and articulate what I'm trying to say with this, it's all too much to say and almost off topic for what I was trying to get at.. Because those worries and fears that things wouldn't be as good the second time around here in Scotland turned out to be less important or relevant to what I ended up finding during these past three months than I thought they would.

The events that I coordinated and poured myself into, though hard work for everyone involved, fostered a way of bonding and having fun with the others here that turned out to be it's own world apart from my last visit. Because of the different people and relationships formed, and some familiar faces as well, along with everyone's unique ideas and ways of being... This trip has been it's own story and almost doesn't need comparing to the last time I was here. From Doors Open Days and the Garden Opening, to our first Nature Walk and Magic Show, to special tours for university students, another story-driven Haunted House, and the upcoming Kaizen~ a community crafted art adventure about what we value as individuals and society, our impact on the world, and our place in it.. There are stories in each of these events, and in the interesting side projects I've been a part of with the other creatives and craftsmen here this time around. And presentations about the bunker and it's importance to me which I've given to various community clubs in the area. And the animal friends who live with us, and who even helped with some of the events and projects.. Maybe I'll get around to actually expounding on what these stories are...as one might expect to see in a blog like this...as opposed to the philosophical ramblings that mostly composed this attempt. ..But, I've got a birthday party to attend at the White Lady pub down the street for a volunteer from Turkey! After all, it's always the people who matter the most when I visit this place. And I want to make the most of the time I have with them!